I can sit here and wax poetic about how great heroes are made by conundrums, dilemma, character development, commentary on their humanity, how they are defined by their enemies, and a number of other 100% true elements…but I’m not gonna. Why? Because I’m gonna talk about bad ass cars, that’s why. Sometimes a hero just needs to have some cool stuff—and if you are feeding into the adolescent male ego power trip fantasy as most action-based fantasy does you gotta have a cool car. I’m not even going to give you long expository explaining why.
YOU KNOW WHY.
A cool car is awesome by rite of virtue. It looks cool, it goes fast, and it does awesome stuff. So without further ado, here’s a quick list of some awesome cars.
Gotta kick this list off right—the Batmobile is the ultimate awesome car. Whether it was the original 1930’s style sedans (and the unmistakable “Kane Finger”) to the concept car of the 1960’s Batman series, to Tim Burton’s, Bruce Timm’s, and Christopher Nolan’s, nothing beats the Batmobile. It’s a space age piece of technology on wheels that was designed specifically to be untraceable and is stuffed to the gills fancy computers and non-lethal gadgets. Maybe you might say its unfair to put a whole line of cars on this list but The Batmobile is more of an idea than a single design.
Also I’ll never forget the Jim Lee/Jeph Loeb take on the Batmobile—Batman’s got a giant car closet full of them with every damn version ever in the Bat-Cave. Wow.
For those of you who don’t know, Ecto-1 is the Ghostbusters car, that white washed 1950’s ambulance decked out with police sirens and tanks of stuff and all kinds of gadgets that…must…charge…nuclear particle accelerators. I don’t know what kind of genius was involved in deciding that an ambulance was the best car for some wacky scientists to chase ghosts around in, and I don’t care. Its brilliant, and every time I see a mock up of one on the streets or at a theme park I flip my lid. It’s sleek and cool with its cherry red fins and chrome hubcaps. While Ghostbusters II and The Real Ghostbusters cartoon both had their own take on Ecto-1, you just can’t beat the original—it had just enough flair of tacked on sci-fi stuff and just enough simple esthetically cool stuff going on to make it perfect, instantly recognizable, and brave enough to state “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts!”
THE A-TEAM VAN
This van was mostly awesome because of who was inside it and what they did while driving it. A seemingly normal van with a super 1980’s stripe on it. What’s inside? A GROUP OF DISGRACED MERCENARIES WITH GUNS AND CIGARS READY TO RIGHT THE WRONG DONE TO YOU FOR A PRICE (and maybe some time with your shapely daughter). What’s not to love? Oh? One of those guys is Mr. friggin T? Come on now. I don’t even have anything more to say. You open the car and Mr. T comes out. Nuff said.
The Knight Industries Two Thousand is perhaps the coolest smuggest talking car in town. Forget Herbie the Love Bug, KITT had a wry sense of humor and a holier-than-thou attitude…not to mention he was a friggin 1982 Pontiac Trans Am with a red swooshy light in front. This car drove itself, kicked it to the sexy ladies, and oh yeah was sentient with the voice of Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World. Nothing could make this car better…except…that…it was owned by DAVID HASSELHOFF. No, I don’t mean David Hasselhoff with a cheeseburger either. I’m talking 1980s Hoff. A Hoff not to be messed with. I remember how I always wanted to ahem kit a KITT for myself. The only missing piece? The lost last episode of Knight Rider that shows KITT’s intelligence being written into the brain of transient George Feeny in order to watch over Michael Knight’s illegitimate son, Shawn Hunter. That’s right, Boy Meets World is actually a spin off of Knight Rider.
JAMES BOND’S CAR
Its full of gadgets like the Batmobile…except it’s deadly, it’s camouflaged, and its an explicit chick magnet. Oh, and they drive on the wrong side of the street. The cars that James Bond always smashes up from Q’s lab are shiny, awesome, and luxurious. It’s the kind of missile shooting, ejector seat having, invisible mode, jet powered, color changing ride that you can kill people in while wearing a tux and drinking a martini. Licensed to Drive and Licensed to Kill, when 007 is behind the wheel he’s either crushing your skull or crushing your heart—whether it’s the Aston Martin, the BMW, or anything else: if the car was modded by MI6 its too cool for you.
The following vehicles require mentioning though had to be disqualified for various reasons and require no explanations.
The Millennium Falcon
The S.W.A.T. Kats Jet
Stone Cold Steve Austin’s ATV
George Jetson’s Suitcase Car/Spaceship
Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
Thomas the Tank Engine