So You Think You’re A Zombie?

For those who have not heeded my warnings of the impending zombie apocalypse, you may find yourself in an awkward situation; you’re dead. You’re the living dead. And now, you’re faced with a whole new set of problems. But what’s a newly turned zed to do when all alone in the world of the living?

Remember the guide for the newly dead in Beetlejuice? While that may not be real, “So Now You’re a Zombie: A Handbook For The Newly Undead” is completely real. John Austin has prepared a “how to” guide for the newest members of the walking dead to navigate through the difficult post-apocalyptic world and achieve the ultimate goal of obtaining uninfected brains to feed on and spread the virus.

Austin’s handbook includes vital information for zombies. How the body has changed and how it works now, the origins of zombies, and other essential knowledge imperative for successful zombie “living.” Along with the steps to identifying if you’re really undead or not, the handbook also helps a newly formed geek find food, and hunt for food. In chapter 3, entitled “Know Your Enemy,” the handbook asks the question “Who is your enemy?” The answer? “Simply put, your enemy is a warm body containing an uninfected human brain,” Austin writes.

One of my favorite chapters has to be “Attacking.” When one thinks about zombies, he or she thinks the only line of defense is to simply stumble over and bite anyone slow enough (or dumb enough) to get caught. Unfortunately for us, if a zombie happens to stumble across this book, they will have different methods to catch us. One suggested method of attack is “using your body as a weapon.” Besides the usual biting, the book shows a diagram of the many different ways a zombie can use their body to attack. Need another way to use your mouth to attack? How about projectile vomiting? “You can increase the likelihood of viral transference by biting, scratching, spitting, bleeding and/or vomiting on your target.”

It is said that the best offense is a good defense and the book covers this! Along with teaching attack methods, this guide also provides some helpful hints to protect these zombies from pesky humans who want to fight back. Can’t find any type of shield to protect your body from bullets? The book recommends grabbing a fellow zombie and using him as a shield! By using the other guy as a shield, a zombie is able to close in the distance between him and his lunch. “Once you’re within striking distance, throw the body at your prey while you lunge mouth-first at him or her.”

Okay, I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not undead, so how is this going to benefit me?” By gaining inside information about the undead, us humans (or at least the ones who stayed away from the bath salts and properly prepared for the apocalypse) can even up the odds, and perhaps win the fight against the living dead.



Written by:

Katie Sperduti


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