The Toast | 50 Shades of Lame

If something is popular and EVERYONE is reading/watching/doing it, chances are, I haven’t caught on yet. I’m always tardy to the party, but eventually I’ll catch on. One of the latest “you must (insert verb here) this” going on among my friends is re

ading “Fifty Shades of Grey,” by E.L. James. I had heard of the book prior to my friends’ suggestions, but all I hear about it is, “OOOOOH MR. GREY IS SOOOOOOOO SEXY,” or “ZOMGZ IT’S LYKE PORNORGRAPHIC,” which hasn’t given me much to work with. I usually appreciate suggestions of new stuff to read because I’m always looking, but after looking up the plot on Wikipedia and finding out what this book is actually about, I decided to pass.

At first I decided to just politely say, “It’s not really my style, but thanks for the suggestion”
and try to change the topic, but after so much peer pressure from everyone and their mom (except my mom, apparently, she’s not interested either, THANK YOU!), I’ve decided to take a stand against annoying peer pressure to read “mommy porn” and give my reasons behind it.

For starters, the plotline did not interest me in the least bit. The book is about a college student named Anastasia Steele who works for an illustrious businessman, Christian Grey. But this is not how it starts. Anastasia lives with a roommate who writes for school paper. When her roommate is ill and cannot conduct her interview with Grey, she convinces Steele to do it. Anastasia is intimidated by Christian Grey and fumbles throughout the interview. She takes comfort in the thought that they will never cross paths again (Whoops, guess that didn’t happen). This isn’t the part of the story that really turned me off .

Steele ends up calling him while drunk one night and Grey swoops in to escort her home. This is where the seduction begins and where my interest ends. Be forewarned, if you’re interested in reading this book, I’m about to unload some potential spoilers in the next few paragraphs.

For starters, he tells her she has to sign a contract in order to have sex with him, but not just any contract, a dominant/submissive contract. Really? Is this necessary for a sexual relationship? Is this normal? Included in this contract is the clause that she cannot make eye contact with him or touch him. Oh, but wait, he agrees to take her virginity without making her sign the dotted line. How sweet. I don’t know about you guys, but that’s totally sexy to me. Anyways, the contract also includes a list of foods she can and cannot eat. Listen, I get the idea of a sexual dominant/submissive relationship, but when you start putting clauses into the contract, which is ridiculous in itself, that are non-sexual, it goes from a sexual adventure to just plan sexist, in my opinion.

While the sexist undertone and ridiculous contract really irritated me, I later learned from a friend that she never signs the contract. I also learned that Christian Grey is a huge hypocrite. If

someone wants a strictly sexual relationship, why bring them to meet your parents? Can she look them in the eyes, or is that off limits too? Grey also showers his “mistress” with very lavish gifts, which also seems out of the ordinary for someone who doesn’t want to be involved (and no, not all the gifts are of a sexual nature, if any at all as far as I know).

I get that this is meant to satisfy a fetish or fantasy of some people, but the whole idea just kind of bores and irritates me. And in case you’re wondering, no, I don’t plan on seeing the movie. Maybe I’m looking too far into this, but my final thought of this whole thing is, if I wanted porn or some type of erotica, I’d watch porn. At least with porn, you expect a horrible plot.


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