The Toast | Some Stuff You’ll Need When The World Ends

Seeing as how the world has already ended and the internet probably doesn’t work (or has at least reverted to Dial-Up status), I assume that the person reading this is some sort of alien creature not unlike those found at the end of AI. So to

you, ephemeral extraterrestrial being, I offer a list of things that any self-respecting nerd (or I guess, anyone else) is probably going to need to survive the post apocalypse of 2013 (though now that I think of it the term post-apocalyptic is kind of a misnomer…nothing should come post apocalypse…). At any rate, it doesn’t matter for I am long gone and this list of things I probably didn’t have the time or gumption to assemble in time to entertain me through the end of the earth probably is missing a few essential items.

A Messload of Car Batteries and an AC Converter

Why this you say? Well, most end of the world fiction could have you believe that gasoline is the hot item to have once the world is kyboshed, but I have a terrible truth to share with you: gasoline goes sour and expires within 30 days of being pumped. As we New Yorkers well know, that gas ain’t gonna sit long in the stations and after its been pumped its gonna become stink water with no punch real soon. So, what we’re really gonna need to charge our iOS devices and Gameboys after the explosion is some kind of contained electricity like a battery—yes, ideally you’d want to have a natural gas generator attached to a domicile, but there’s always the risk of kablooey or asphyxiation if you don’t assemble that correctly. It’s relatively easy however to make sure that you connect red to red and black to black, so if you can get a converter for some car batteries you just need to get down to the AutoBarn ruins and dig a few up so you can use your two and three pronged plug-powered devices. Come to think of it, you may want to rack up on some regular AA, AAA, and 9 volts while you’re at it (regular and rechargeable).

Salted Meats

Yes, beef jerky will sustain us. With the Twinkie resources already dry and depleted, the only thing that will survive the holocaust of the stars is going to be Slim Jims and maybe a few jugs of bottled water. Of course, you’ll need the water sooner than the Slim Jims and salamis that will be sustaining you for the rest of your life (natural or otherwise) at least you can die TO THE EXTREME. SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM. (You may want some vacuum sealed chips as well).

At least One Pharmacy to Ransack and a Pharmacology Guidebook

These won’t last long as people will be sure to ransack the local CVS ASAP, but if you get in there first make sure that you take a lot of everything from the Pharmacy section, the first aid section, some baby formula or Ensure (you may have to drink that when food runs out), and the latest People Magazine. Oh…you might want to grab some toilet paper too…did it occur to you that they will stop making that, too? Wait until all you have is a jagged pinecone or your best friends jawbone to wipe yourself with…you’ll wish you had squeezed the Charmin. The prescription meds will serve you well, provided you don’t kill yourself with them—use the book! You’ll probably need antibiotics, sleeping pills, or fun fun pills to pass the time. What else might you need? Deodorant…the water isn’t gonna be running forever either. You smell.

Books. Lots of Books.

The after party of the end of the world is probably going to be pretty damned boring. If it was going to be fun people wouldn’t be so scared, so it’ll probably be a good time to finally read War and Peace, Sense and Sensibility, or Moby Dick. I mean, what else are you gonna do? There’s no more appropriate thing to want to escape from than this mess. Me? Well, I’m probably gonna post up in the biggest comic book store I can find and just start reading through everything ever. By the time I get to the stuff I’ve already read, I’ll either be dead or crazy and either way I won’t mind re-reading stuff. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll learn how to play the piano…I can find a book on that, too. As long as I don’t break my glasses I’ll have all the time in the world to read. Oh dear.

A Duffel Bag Full of Seasonal Clothing

It’s probably safe to assume that the seasons will be unpredictable after the predictable end of the world and without Al Roker, Sam Champion, or Mike Woods to tell you what the skies are gonna do, you’ll probably want to be prepared with a manageable duffle bag with a winter coat, and a few dress options and realistic footwear. I’m not talking about a wardrobe here, but just a few different kinds of durable shoes, pants, shirts, and underwear so that you’ll be prepared for snow, rain, sun, or lava. They don’t even need to match so much, because nobody is gonna laugh at your for wearing paisley and checkers once the earth swallows us all.

Weapons and tools.

Yes this. Well, this is just the way of things. You may not need anything fancy pants as to fight off zombie apocalypse (unless that is the nature of today’s destruction that is…), but you will need at the very least some hand tools (and possibly some power tools if you got your hands on the electricity course we discussed earlier). The weapons may not even be to keep your keep safe from your fellow man, you may run into to some game while you’re out there in the wild in which case you’ll probably be itchin’ for some fresher meat than those Slim Jims you’ve been tossing over the campfire. The tools, while doubling as cleaning utensils, will also help you construct and/or maintain your living space and other supplies. Like your kick ass Schwin you’ve been riding around since all motor vehicles are now…well…houses.

Well, that’s all I can think of six hours before the apocalypse. So, I’ll have to turn the question on you…what would you bring with you? Your copy of Ten Years Gone: Pomp and Circumstance? I know, I know. But that really goes under the books section.

What do you need after the world ends?

 

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Written by: Brandon Melendez

 

 

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