The other day I was sitting on my couch watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (I suspect I’ve never actually progressed past the age of seven). As I watched, I started to wonder about the dwarfs. Why do they all live together in the middle of the woods? I suppose it makes sense to be near the mines where they work, but didn’t they ever want to branch out of their little house? Meet some new people? Go to a movie or a brothel or whatever the local entertainment may be?
The more I thought about the dwarfs, the more I realized that there might be an explanation for their behaviors. So, I have compiled a list of the seven dwarfs and the mental disorders they could potentially suffer from.
Potential Disorder: Hypochondria
Explanation: Sneezy is, as his name implies, always sneezing. Perhaps he just has really bad allergies, but I think it’s more than that. There’s a lot of pressure for him to live up to his name so what if he were to get better? He would have to go through an identity overhaul. He could change his name, but it might sound a little odd if the seven dwarfs were Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Frank. No, I think Sneezy keeps himself in a perpetual state of sickness by fixating on his nose because he’s afraid of what might happen if he didn’t.
Other Possible Cause: Cocaine. Look at that nose.
Potential Disorder: Idiopathic Hypersomnia
Explanation: This disorder is defined as excessive sleeping without an obvious cause. Sleepy is always asleep–doesn’t matter if you’re in the middle of a sentence. If he needs to sleep then your voice is either tuned out or incorporated into his dreams, causing him to later awaken and wonder why he dreamed about last night’s episode of Glee.
Other Possible Cause: Ambien or some other addiction to sleeping pills.
Potential Disorder: Mutism
Explanation: This is a disorder which is characterized by an individual being unable or unwilling to speak for over a month. There’s the possibility and Dopey is just dumb, but perhaps everyone thinks he’s dumb because he won’t speak. One day he’ll decide to speak and the other dwarfs will be shocked into silence as Dopey explains theories to them that make Stephen Hawking look like he is a few crayons short of a full box.
Other Possible Cause: Marijuana. His iPod should be checked for Steve Miller Band.
Potential Disorder: Bipolar Disorder
Explanation: At first I wasn’t sure that Happy had a psychological disorder. After all, isn’t being happy the goal in a lot of cases? His excessive happiness had me wondering until I came across Bipolar Disorder. While Happy only appears to exhibit the manic highs and not the depressive lows in his temperament, we never see him at all times of the day. For all we know, whenever he’s off camera he could have locked himself in the bathroom where he sobs and writes sad poetry.
Other Possible Cause: Ecstacy. It could even make you love techno music.
Potential Disorder: Social Anxiety Disorder
Explanation: This disorder is an excessive self-consciousness and shyness in social situations. Physical symptoms can include blushing, a pounding heart, upset stomach, and diarrhea. If Bashful suffers from the last two physical symptoms, I think he has bigger problems than red cheeks.
Other Possible Cause: Not sure. If anything, I’d say he needs to borrow from Dopey’s stash, but with Bashful’s luck, that would just make him paranoid.
Potential Disorder: Intermittent Explosive Disorder
Explanation: This disorder is characterized by excessive anger or rage with a hair trigger. It’s most commonly seen on Internet message boards. Someone makes an innocent comment about their favorite sports team and someone lashes out with a message typed in all caps to fully express their rage over someone liking the Raiders (although the Raiders do suck). Although Grumpy isn’t clogging up message boards with his unnecessary anger (only because the dwarfs’ house doesn’t have WiFi), he still manages to find the dark cloud around the silver lining.
Other Possible Cause: Alcohol. He’d be one of those mean drunks that would pick a fight with you for looking at his woman.
Potential Disorder: ?
Explanation: My first thought was to characterize Doc as obsessive compulsive because he’s a perfectionist, but the lack of rituals leads me to believe he’s just anal-retentive. In spite of these tendencies, Doc appears to be the most well-adjusted of all the dwarfs. However, those are the ones to watch. Whenever someone snaps and shoots up the office, it’s usually that guy next door that everyone said seemed like a nice, normal neighbor. Doc could just snap one day under the pressure of having to wrangle all the other dwarfs and keep them in check.
Other Possible Causes: All of the aforementioned substances. Doc’s sanity and stress level seem to walk a very fine line.
Author and Guest Contributor